Updated Birdsong Mnemonics for Donald Trump’s America

The article humorously updates traditional bird call mnemonics to reflect political and cultural themes of Donald Trump’s America, such as replacing the crow’s “Caw” with “War” and the barred owl’s “Who cooks for you” with “Strait of Hormuz.” It also includes satirical changes like the field sparrow’s song mimicking “Trump” and the Carolina wren’s call becoming “De-port him.” The piece concludes with a description of the “lame duck” as a bird whose unpredictable quacking symbolizes the current political era.

Crow The call of the American crow can be heard almost anywhere. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to encounter it in the parking lot of your local Hobby Lobby. Most hear its song as a loud, grating “Caw Caw Caw ” But this spring listen for “War War War ” Barred Owl The barred owl has one of the easiest calls to put into words. Deep in the night, under the light-polluted sky, one might be heard outside your window asking, “Who cooks for you? Who cooks for you all?” Or, more recently, “Strait of Hormuz—Hormuz closed to you all ” Field Sparrow The field sparrow produces less of a song than a beat. Listeners of yore heard a dropped Ping-Pong ball—the dwindling space between each note tightening it into a drumroll. Sort of like someone intoning, “Trump . . . trump . . . trumptrump . . . trumptrumptrump . . . trumpety-trumptrumptrumptrump.” Ovenbird Warblers such as the ovenbird are often difficult to spot, so learning their widely varied songs is essential to identification. The ovenbird’s two-syllable, passionate cry can sound like “Tea-CHER Tea-CHER Tea-CHER ” increasing in volume with each repetition. Or was it “Ep-STEIN Ep-STEIN Ep-STEIN ”? We may never know. Blue Jay The blue jay is easily identified by its flamboyant personality, bold blue feathers, and size. Still, its call is noteworthy, as it simply repeats its name: “Jay, jay, jay.” From now on, train your ears to hear “Gay, gay, gay.” Also, when you hear it, ignore this bird and pretend it doesn’t exist. Eastern Towhee The towhee is a bird you’re more likely to hear than to see as it scuttles among the understory in search of food. However, its clear, three-syllable song, often repeated during the breeding season, is easy to remember. Forget the old mnemonic “Drink your tea ”—Americans don’t drink tea. Substitute: “Drink raw milk ” Black-Throated Green Warbler The words by which to remember this bird’s song—“trees, trees, murmuring trees”—are poetic and pretty. So it’s time for a change, especially since there are fewer and fewer trees nowadays, and only liberals like poetry anyway. How about “Peace, peace, we’ll never have peace”? Carolina Wren This loud bird can be heard singing all through the year—its three-note call repetitious and bright. Weak Joe Biden supporters heard either “Tea kettle Tea kettle Tea kettle ” again, with the tea or, choosing to glorify a NATO member, “Germany Germany Germany ” To align with the Department of Homeland Security’s policy, birders now legally must hear only “De-port him De-port her De-port them ” Blue-Winged Warbler The lazy, two-note high, then low song of the blue-winged warbler is the perfect soundtrack for hot summer days, when flesh-eating bacteria thrive in popular swimming holes. It’s hard to hear anything but a simple “bee . . . buzz” with this one, but, keeping with the parasite theme, see if “brain . . . worm” doesn’t work just as well. Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker The yellow-bellied sapsucker has a nasally churring call, but is perhaps most identifiable by the sound it makes when it pecks a tree. The random, tireless way this bird beats its head into its quarry is symbolic of, and perfect for, our times. It needs no updating. Lame Duck Known for its incessant, sometimes humorous, often unbelievable, but still consequential quacking, the lame duck, in theory, will eventually depart for Florida and stay there, becoming non-migratory. In the meantime, it might say just about anything, even though, at times, it sounds insane. It is nearly impossible to predict its call. You know it when you hear it. ♦