Getting your
Trinity Audioplayer ready...Dear Eric: Last year my sister posted on Facebook that I was the result of an affair my mother had.
She said the man was my mother’s first husband. Their marriage had been annulled 16 years earlier, in 1941.
Throughout my life I did feel that way. My father, mother and three siblings had blond hair, and I had brown hair. My paternal grandmother treated me differently.
Still, I wanted to prove my sister wrong. I took a DNA test. It looks as though I proved her correct. The test showed 21 matches with my mother’s first husband’s last name. Now I know.
My concerns: First, I don’t want my sister to learn of the proof. Secondly, I don’t know my family medical history. Lastly, my wife and children need to know. Most of all, I’m concerned about who else knows.
What should I do? Should I reach out to one of the DNA matches?
– Confused Paternity
Dear Confused: I’m sorry about your sister’s actions. This is your news to share or not share; posting about this on Facebook strikes me as cruel. It wasn’t right.
You get to choose what parts of your narrative and identity are for public consumption and which are private. You may choose to never share this with some or all of the people in your life. That’s just fine.
To that end, other people may know or suspect, but try to put that out of your mind. If they are not helping you learn something you want to learn about yourself, they are not part of this journey.
Reaching out to one of the DNA matches may help you get more information and teach you what questions you have. At the same time, you may want to talk to a therapist or a trusted faith leader about what you’ve learned and what you’re feeling. This will surely bring up some complicated emotions. You owe it to yourself to process those.
Take as much time as you need to process. Again, this is about you. You’ll know when it feels right to let your family in on what’s going on inside. You’ll probably want to let your wife know sooner, however, so that she can walk with you in this and support you as you put the pieces together.
Dear Eric: I seem to be attracting the wrong kind of man, and I am currently in a complicated relationship of more than four years that has become very difficult.
My partner is 48 and I am 57. He has exhibited narcissistic behavior, lied to me, and has been physically aggressive, including punching holes in my doors and walls.
While he has expressed regret for hurting me physically, the mistreatment continues. He is inconsistent and often yells or screams at me when I try to communicate. Recently, we had a conflict regarding a family gathering in California for his late mother. I was excited to go, but now he says he doesn’t want me there because I don’t wear makeup, even though I wasn’t wearing makeup when we first met.
I have also discovered him looking at other women and visiting various porn or chat sites, which he denies when confronted.
I know that I need to leave this situation, but I am struggling to understand why he treats the one person who has been good to him this way. I often find myself worrying about him, even though I am the one being hurt.
I would truly appreciate your perspective on why I continue to find myself in these types of relationships and how I can move forward.
– Wrong Choices
Dear Choices: It seems clear that you’re not in a safe environment and that your partner is exhibiting dangerous abusive and controlling tendencies, so I strongly encourage you to make leaving a priority.
It will be easier to parse your own emotions, to recover, and to evaluate your dating patterns when you aren’t suffering mistreatment in a harmful environment.
Talk to friends and loved ones that you trust about what’s going on and ask them to help you make a plan. You don’t have to do this alone.
Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org/1-800-799-SAFE) for confidential, anonymous support.
The question of why you end up in these types of relationships may take some work with a therapist or support group (the Hotline can point you to resources, many of them free). But no matter the factors that contribute to your dating history, you are not and have not been asking for this, nor is this treatment you deserve.
As you process your habits and impulses away from the negative presence of your current partner, be gentle with yourself and treat yourself with curiosity rather than condemnation. It takes time.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.